On Tuesdays, I thought it would be fun to share some dating disaster stories. A few of the stories will be my own and others will not. When browsing, I came across a comical story on Askmen.com that I’d like to share with you all.
This Story Was Shared By J. Perez
(Note that this story has been shortened to the gist of the action, in which our author has gone home with a hot girl named Clem who he met at a bar.)
“I stepped into the apartment and noticed the place was relatively clean and quite roomy, albeit dark, since it was late. I took a seat on the loveseat located in the living room. Clem turned on the TV, handed me the remote control and then headed into the kitchen for a bit. While I flipped through channels, I noticed a crack of light shimmer through the hallway and I hear a TV playing. I assumed it was her roommate — wrong.
Out strolls this young child, a boy. I’m terrible at ages, so I can’t pinpoint how old he was, but he was old enough to walk and could sort of formulate sentences. As he walked out, he saw this weird stranger this lady brought home slumped down on the couch. He smiled and ran back down the hallway.
At that moment, the wheels in my head begin to turn, and I can’t help but tell myself, “Well, this just got sort of weird.” I prayed in my heart of hearts that this young child is the roommate’s. Right then, the kid sprinted back out from the hallway into the living area at full speed. He smiled at me again and waltzed right into the kitchen and screams, “Mommy!” My heart dropped. I decided that it’s best I start formulating an exit strategy.
Just then, I heard Clem call out my name and invite me to the kitchen. I was super reluctant to answer but did so anyway. As I walked toward the kitchen, I told myself that it was going to be very awkward, but then I noticed Clem under the bright lights of the kitchen. I realized how gorgeous she really is. I mean, I knew she was attractive, but I thought she was only dimly-lit-bar pretty. To my amazement, she’s arguably the most attractive female I have ever kissed. She told me, “I want you to meet someone. This is Piss-Shit-Fart [I don’t remember the kid’s name and don’t want to remember].”
In a very superficial manner, I patted his head, smiled and said hi in a high-pitched, overexcited voice. Although I felt uncomfortable and upset that she didn’t tell me about her kid, all that was water under the bridge when I realized how gorgeous she really is. In that moment, I told myself, “It’s back on. You ain’t goin’ nowhere, boy!”
I asked Clem if I could use her bathroom. She pointed down the hall and told me I could use the one in the bedroom. I can remember being super excited and thinking how I was going to bag my first hot older chick, but right then and there, my heart slumped once again. As I was walking through her room I notice her bed is directly adjacent to a crib. All of a sudden I can’t help but fabricate this mental picture of me plowing a screaming Clementine in a hardcore porn-sex manner while this poor child bears witness in horror as he tightly grips the bars of the crib like a death row inmate.
Needless to say, I was back in the dumps. I started formulating my escape plan again. I didn’t want to be rude and just abruptly leave, so I decided I would sit back down for a bit and then fake a phone call and tell her it was an emergency and that I had to leave. It was an unconvincing plan, but at that point I really had no desire to make a move on this young mother.
But as I sat down, Clem greeted me with a drink. She smiled and told me it’s Johnny Walker on crushed ice. She handed it to me, then sat down next to me, draped one of her legs over mine, gave me a long, hard kiss, and then rubbed my inner thigh. She smiled again, and then got up and headed back to the kitchen.
At that point, I flipped it to Spike TV, and sure enough they’re playing one of my favorite BJ Penn fights. I’m lounging back, sippin’ on a nice drink, getting amazing kisses and pseudo handjobs from a gorgeous woman, and watching one of the all-time greats pound some dude’s face into hamburger! Life could not get any better.
At that point, I felt like a Soprano or something. It was like Popeye getting his spinach. I decided it was back on!While I was kicking back on cloud nine, out the corner of my eye, I noticed PSF running up and down the hallway again, screaming as he does so. This time, however, he’s clutching a small purple sword reminiscent of a roman gladius. It also looked a lot like those toy he-man swords I played with as a kid, the ones with the buttons on the handle that made the machine gun and bomb-dropping sound effects.
As he ran back down the hall, I heard a faint buzzing sound similar to that of a dentist drill against the hall wall. I didn’t think much of it, as I figured it was the roomie using an electric toothbrush or something. But PSF again ran back into the living area, this time coming toward me. In doing so, he’s slapping himself with the sword from cheek-to-cheek as he makes a weird grunting noise. As he came further into the living room and into the glare of the television, I finally took notice of the sword and realized that it is, in fact, not a sword. Instead, it’s a rather large dildo (that sucker must have been a good 15-18 inches).
He turned that bad boy on and began rubbing it on the coffee table, again making a pretty loud drilling noise. Clem must have taken notice because, all of a sudden, she rushed over and snatched the purple dick out of his hands. She then gave him a spank on the behind, yelling, “I told you to stop grabbing that!”
He quickly started crying and rushed off down the hallway again. Clem and I then locked eyes for about a split second, and in doing so, I noticed a look on her face that can only be described as utter humiliation. I returned a look of confusion with a half smile, as I was in a complete state of bewilderment trying to process what had just happened. She quickly rushed back to her room. Needless to say, all bets were off. That little episode was the tipping point. I knew I could not possibly make a move on her after that. I waited around idly for about two minutes, wondering if she was going to come back out. At that point, I asked myself what the hell I was still doing there and decided I’d best bounce.
I’m not sure how Clem reacted or what she did after that, but I can only imagine she walked back into the living room and was greeted by a cold breeze, as I was nowhere to be seen, with the door left wide open.”
This story was rather lengthy, but quite funny. I cannot imagine the utter embarrassment Clem must have felt in that moment. This story does bring up an interesting point however. Is it wrong to neglect to tell someone you have children, even if your intentions with them are just a one night stand. Also, if it is wrong, how soon should you introduce your child or children to someone you are dating or sleeping with. For me personally, I like to know very early on if some I may potentially date has kids or not. It allows me to access the situation and consider the potential responsibility. Relationships are built on trust and transparency, and when someone is hesitant to be forthcoming about having children, it causes me to question their honesty. If one has kids, it is not a deal breaker, but rather helps me to gain a better understanding of an individual’s character based on their relationship with their child. Granted, if you often partake in one night stands at home, you are probably not concerned about the pleasantries of an introduction. However, I think it is still important to be mindful of the people you may potentially have around your child. Ultimately, it is a parent’s decision to determine what information to disclose, but as a person on the other side, it is helpful to have a heads up.